A Day of Rest and Test

I had a full day today. I decided early on in the day that it would be my one day "off" from exercise this week. I fought myself on that decision. (even as I drove by the gym to work) In my mind, I was concerned that I was making excuses just to avoid exercise. I don't believe I was. Instead, I was able to spend more time in God's Word. That was so refreshing and good mental and spiritual exercise.

I also stopped by the bookstore and picked up Candace Cameron Bure's book, Reshaping It All.

I'm starting the first chapter as soon as I finish typing this post:) I'll let you know what I think! My prayer is that when I wake up tomorrow each choice will be God honoring and pleasing to him as I continue on my journey to live a healthier life.

I Failed

Take a look at the date of this post. Now check out the date of my very first post. look at the year....yep, it's been over a year and I failed. I just re-read the very first post of this blog and thought to myself, how the heck did I let myself 'fall off the bandwagon' again! I should be so upset and frustrated (which I kind of am) but the thing I am proud of right now is that I can answer that question. I can actually answer why I have failed over and over and over again at loosing weight and changing my eating and exercise habits.

I have been, for the past 12 years, trying to fight this gluttony battle on my own. Yes, I've had my family encourage me and friends do their best to support me, but it's not their problem so at times their accountability wavers. The only way I can live a healthy life is with the help of Jesus.

This past Sunday, my pastor preached a message that many would view as uncomfortable. (I did) But it's necessary. The series topic is "Hidden Desires". The sermon was called "Secret Shame". You can only guess that my mind went to my eating habits. That is my secret shame. Pastor Chilly made a comment, "To have a healthy ministry, I must have a healthy life." That hit me hard. I work in ministry, yet I don't have a healthy personal life when it comes to diet and exercise. I want to though.

What am I doing about it. (notice I didn't say 'going to do' about it) Yep! I already started on April 26, 2011. I have joined a gym, signed up (and paid extra) for a kick butt class 2x per week and am counting my calories. But what got me super excited is i've joined a ladies small group at my new church home. They are forgiving, understanding and honest. I have, in small ways, mentioned my desire to loose weight and exercise and I think I have found a group of ladies who will be an encouragement to me as I journey through this.

Then to top all of that, I came across a Candace Cameron Bure's facebook page for "Reshaping it All". It looks so good! Then I read that they are doing a 65 day challenge. From a Christian Perspective!!!!! That's where Jesus comes in! Only HE can change the way i'm living my life. So I may have failed over and over again, but with Jesus I WON'T FAIL!

I'm looking forward to this 65 day journey. I encourage you to join me if you'd like and pray for me as I become the woman God has called me to be.

Going Public

I'm sick and tired of it. It consumes my thoughts, my actions, my reactions. It controls me. When I think I found my victory in the day or even the moment, it throws a cheap shot my way and I cower and give in.

IT is my weight.
I haven't always been this heavy. Growing up, I was a very active child who ate very healthy thanks to my parents. As I got a little older, I gained a little weight and by 10th grade I was a size 12. But for my 5'8'', large bone build, it was a good size and weight "according to the doctor". All of my friends were shorter and weighed less than me. I never once thought I was thin. Today, looking at those high school pictures, i'd give anything to look that way again. It was in college where I let myself go. If you went to college then you know.......the college cafeteria. I never knew before that time that you could get "all you could eat" in the meal plan or get "all you can drink" from the soda machines. It was fun and I was in control. Or so I thought.

Now, I am 31 years old, single, and very unhappy on the inside. My friends and family would probably be shocked to hear those previous words I just typed. "unhappy on the inside". I have heard them describe me as a "funny, loving, caring, hard-working person". I would agree, but because of my weight I rarely feel "confidant, secure, at peace" on the inside. What do you do when someone wants to take a group picture? I'm a little taller, so I say that I should stand in the back(to hide my body), stick my neck out like a turtle so my fat doesn't show (as much) and smile big. I have tried EVERYTHING. Weight Watchers, Medical Weight Loss Clinic, Grapefruit diet, Cabbage soup diet, eat less diet, prescription drugs for weight loss. Some of those things worked..for only a period of time. Then I'd go back to my bad habits and let my emotions eat.

At this point, you are probably asking yourself, why the heck am I still reading this depressing woman's story? I would be asking myself that too. But here's what I've decided to do. I need you're help though. I have decided to be completely 100% honest on this blog about my daily struggles and victories as I journey through my next year. My goal is to loose weight. I can't say how much because I want to do it right this time. I know I need to loose a lot. So here's the deal. I joined Weight Watchers 1 week ago, last Monday. I followed the plan 2 days out of the 7 day week. That really sucks, right? Tonight as I was sitting in bed watching t.v., I said to myself "this is it". If i'm going to change, i'm going to change! I'm going to exercise and eat right. I will be posting recipes that are good for weight loss and don't taste like cardboard. Try them and let me know what you think. I'll let you know what kind of exercising i'm doing. Give me your comments, ideas and help keep me accountable. In turn, I will do the same.
Tomorrow starts the new me. New attitude, new initiative, new focus. Do you need that? Start with me!
The thing is, when I push the "publish" button..this is it. It's for good and in "cyber space" forever. I can't take it back. Don't let me. I'm going public. I want the weight to be OVER!

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